Oh, bite me.

Attention, makers of vampire movies:

Stop this idiocy. Listen, it’s always the same with you people. Fashion mistakes and cliched “dramatic” shots. If I were a vampire, do you really think that I’d draw my head back at that alarming angle and open my mouth that wide just to show off my Lee Press-On Fangs? And with that weird hissing sound they all seem to make? No. Because it gives the victim time to stop and think for a second, and that potential victim could take advantage of those extra two seconds to shove a stake through my heart. I mean, DUH! Aside from that, it just looks stupid, and there are so many other ways you can make sure that we know that the person is a vampire withOUT using it. Come on. Are you really going to just slack like this? Use your BRAIN, people!

Also, while I can get past everyone on Blade having a serious Shiny Clothes fetish, can we get past the most recent vampire bride looking like an extra from a Motley Crue video? Nobody uses crimping irons anymore, and if the stylist brings one to your set, you should slap her back to 1986. I’m available for this service, should you not wish to perform it yourself. Your makeup artist should be made aware that once one is Undead, one is pale, yes, but one night in a coffin does not lend itself well to the spackling on of enough eyeliner, blush, and lipstick to satisfy the needs of the entire cast and crew of Wigstock. Last time I checked, sleeping coffins were not equipped with a full train-case of cosmetics, a trowel, and a well-lit vanity. I could be wrong. A nice lip stain and a dab of eyeliner and mascara will do nicely. Perhaps a touch of blush, but nothing too garish. The woman’s been SLEEPING, for heaven’s sake!

I’m willing to suspend my disbelief enough to allow that a tongue depressor, broken in half and taped together in the cross formation, should be enough to fend off a vampire. But, knowing how long it takes to truly make oneself look like a member of Vanity 6 utilising even the most advanced cosmetics out there, I cannot believe that a woman can be bitten, fed by her creator vampire, and laid to rest in a coffin and still find time to slather on that much friggin’ makeup, much less bust out a crimping iron. (Do they have outlets in those coffins?) The makeup is bad, the hair is worse. I doubt that there’s proper ventilation in a crypt for the amount of hairspray necessary, and perhaps that accounts for the glazed look in the new vampirette’s eye and the surliness of disposition, but still.

So. Get real with the makeup, leave the friggin’ hair alone already, and stop with the dramatic “ooo, look at my teeeeeeeeeeeeth” pause. It’s stupid, it’s cliche, and you can do better than that.

Thank you.