“This is the most fun I’ve had without lubricant.”

Dear Leigh Whannell,

Hi there! I’m a huge fan of the movie Saw, which you wrote and co-starred in. I love the premise, I love the twistedness of it, and while I felt that Saw II paled in comparison without your guidance, I hope that Saw III will be back on track.

I also think, of course, that you’re a really good-looking guy, and consider you to be one of my future ex-husbands. If you happen to be in L.A. still, perhaps we could get together for a coffee some time.

This is, however, not totally an attempt to stroke your dick. I have a small issue with one of the lines in your first movie. I tried to post something about it on the House Of Jigsaw message boards, but every time I tried, the message boards chose not to work for me. Bastards. I have no recourse but to post something about it here.

The line is, “I don’t care if you covered yourself in peanut butter and had a 15 hooker gangbang.”

I don’t think that word means what you think it means. If, in fact, Dr. Gordon had a “15 hooker gangbang”, it means that all fifteen hookers would have had to have donned strap-ons and violated Dr. Gordon anally. A gangbang, by definition, is a group of people violating one person. If he had covered himself and 15 friends in peanut butter and then hired a hooker to get screwed by all of them, that too would have qualified as a gangbang. But the inference that you seem to wish to make is that Adam didn’t care if Dr. Gordon covered himself in peanut butter and then had a bunch of sex with fifteen hookers. That would be group sex, it may even be an orgy, and it would make Gordon a total stud if he could satisfy all fifteen of them, but it wouldn’t be a gangbang.

In the future, should you have any questions about such terms, please feel free to contact me or anyone else who is either currently or has in the past been involved in the adult industry. I, for one, would be happy to help clarify things for you, and at no charge. I would hate to see such lovely terms like “rusty trombone”, “reverse blumpkin” and “spiderman” go misused and misunderstood.

Oh, and next time you’re in a movie? Keep the Aussie accent, and lose the shirt. Tell your buddy James Wan that he’s pretty hot too. Thanks.