No, you may not.

I understand that there wasn’t a demo model of the Ear & Nose Hair Trimmer available. I’m sorry about that. Sure, I’d be happy to open a box, remove a trimmer, put a battery in it, and let you push Play so you could see and hear whether or not it functions and at what volume. But there is absolutely no way in the whole wide world that I will allow you to then try out the item.

No.

You have mucous membranes in your nostrils. If you tried it out and decided that you didn’t like it, I’d be stuck with a contaminated product that I could not sell. Why? Because I don’t have an autoclave, and I don’t even know if that thing can GO into an autoclave if I had one. I have no way of sanitizing it. What’s that? Yes, it does come with a wee cleaning brush. NO, utilizing it on the trimmer after you have tried it out will NOT make it clean enough for me to repackage and sell to another random person.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I’ve had people get mad at me because they couldn’t try out the epilator we sell. And the body shaver. And they were serious. The times that we HAVE had a demo of the Ear and Nose Hair Trimmer available, I’ve been treated to the sight of people nonchalantly wandering the store with it shoved up their nostril. Casually rummaging around with it as they browse other products with the other hand. And then think nothing of just putting it back on the shelf and walking away.

I’ve seen people bypass the demo pots, bottles, and jars of various body and skincare products and open up a brand new one that’s meant for sale, stick their fingers in it, and then close it back up and put it back on the shelf. Bad enough, except that then, they take a completely different one to purchase.

Why, in the name of all that is holy, would you DO something like this? I pull out my hair. I wail and moan and gnash my teeth, and I cannot for the LIFE of me figure out just what on earth is wrong with people that they think behaviour like this is acceptable.

Look, this is basic hygiene. You are covered with germs. I am covered with germs. Everyone in the world is covered with germs. Your germs are fine for you, which is why you can use the same nose hair trimmer over and over again and not get sick. You can use your own fingers to smear moisturizer all over your face day after day from the same pot of moisturizer and develop nary a sniffle. However, your germs are not necessarily compatible with everyone else’s, which is why we occasionally get colds.

I’m probably approaching this the wrong way, though. People are, by and large, a bunch of disgusting pigs who think only of themselves. Their germs won’t get anyone else sick, and they’re entitled to do anything they want when they leave their homes, which is why I constantly have to wipe pee off of public toilet seats.

Wait…that’s it! I have to wipe pee off of toilet seats because a lot of you bitches live in mortal fear of everyone else’s germs! (Yeah, that’s another thing – STOP HOVERING OR WIPE THE DAMN SEAT ALREADY.) So, here we go.

You do NOT know who has used that demo product before you. And you would be disgusted to know that we took that thing out of its package, let somebody try it in their nostrils, and then just brushed it off a little before returning it to its package. THIS is why we keep sanitary testers of skincare products available, and THIS is why we give you a dirty look when you shove your fingers in one and try to purchase another, and THIS is why you absolutely may NOT try the nose hair trimmer.

Good day.