BUMP WATCH!

So Beyonce’s all pregnant. Why do people give a tin damn? 

Listen, it’s been clear for ages that we like our celebrities up on that pedestal. The one that doesn’t have a toilet, or food, or solid walls. We like it when we can know every last little detail of their lives.  It must make us feel better, I guess, as a society, but frankly, it bothers me tremendously.

“BEYONCE IS PREGNANT” is a trending topic on Twitter right now. Apparently, the big reveal was done on the MTV Video Music Awards, and she was still bringin’ it like she always does. There are magazines aimed at women and pop culture whores that have “Bump Watch” sections, where a photo is snapped of some random female celebrity on the street and then the world is invited to speculate whether she’s gone and gotten herself knocked up or if she just had a big lunch. It’s an even bigger deal if she’s (gasp!) UNMARRIED. Because OH MY GOD she’s so modern/she’s such a hussy/is she maybe a lesbian?!?

Women get pregnant every single day of the world, and it doesn’t matter to anyone except the mother, the father, maybe the grandparents, and the prenatal doctor. It’s nobody else’s business, until the mother decides that it’s time to have a baby shower, or tell people. But when it’s a celebrity, all bets are off.

Maybe it’s because we can see a pregnant celebrity and say, “Now I know for sure, even if I didn’t see you actually in flagrante delicto, that you’ve had sex at least once, and it was within the past few months!”  Maybe we’re just gearing up for what they look like after they actually give birth – poor Britters got trashed out for a VMA performance not long after the birth of her second child because she was “fat”. I thought the performance was sub-par because she was slightly losing her mind and she was simply marking her dance moves rather than actually executing them, but the whole world was in an uproar because she “insisted” on wearing the outfit that she did, and because she was “fat”.  I got news for ya, honey. Britney Spears has never been actually fat a day in her entire life, and if you think she was “fat” when she did that performance, then you need to step the fuck back from the TV and the magazines and the internet for a while, because you’ve obviously become very very ill and need to shut the hell up until you get back to actual reality where humans live. She had just had a freakin’ child. What on earth is wrong with you?

Y’know, I love Beyonce.  I respect the hell out of Beyonce. She’s got a voice that can knock you on your ass, she can dance like crazy, and she’s been doing things by her own rules pretty much since the beginning. And once she’s had that baby, she’ll still have that voice and that same attitude. She’ll probably still even be able to shake that ass just as hard as ever.  But y’know what I secretly hope?  I secretly hope that, once she has the kid, she doesn’t kill herself getting back to what the mental cases out there will think is an acceptable body weight. Matter of fact, I almost hope she decides, “Screw all this. I’ve put in my time and paid my dues. I can sing, I can write and perform songs, I’m just gonna relax and have a goddamn cheesecake for breakfast while I’m at it.”  I kind of want her to get Martha Wash big, and just let somebody TRY to pull a C+C Music Factory on her ass, replacing some skinny idiot lip-syncing to her in the video. Shit, I’d like to see Beyonce & Martha Wash perform together. One of ‘em is bigger than the sun fame-wise, the other has an incredible voice and is wildly underrated. Go on, B. Rock out with Miss Martha and give her the props that she deserves.

Basically? It comes down to this: Celebrities, every last one of ‘em, will occasionally eat food. They will sometimes vomit or take a big nasty dump. Even our lovely Beyonce has had astonishingly smelly, hilariously raucous flatulence at least once. They sleep, and sometimes they drool or say stupid shit when they do it. And sometimes, they even have sex and get pregnant. Why don’t you scrutinise your own life for a week as hard as you scrutinise theirs? Pretend that paparazzi are watching & photographing your every move, looking in your windows, watching you eat dinner, hoping desperately that you’ve got some extra butt dimples hangin’ out when you go to the beach, so that the evidence can be published in some bullshit magazine like OK! or US Weekly or some other useless rag. Play pretend for one whole week, magnify it by 100, and you’ve suddenly got what somebody like Beyonce has to deal with. I’m not sayin’ that they shouldn’t have expected it when they got famous, apparently it’s what getting famous is about. But just think about it for a little while before you start getting all excited over a perfectly mundane thing that happens daily all over the world. Would you be this excited if the magazines posted crazy photos and breathless text about the girl around the corner getting knocked up? Hell no! You don’t even know her! Then leave Beyonce to gestate in peace, you nosy prick.