Taking “no” for an answer

Hope springs eternal. Sometimes, people think that maybe they can change other people’s minds, even though the negative response to whatever they’re offering is clear. But when you push the issue, not only are you asking for harsh treatment, but you venture into Creepy territory, and I’m not down with that.

I’ve been a member of OKStupid for some time now. To date, only one person I’ve met through that site has progressed to Date #3, and even that ended poorly. I warn people pretty explicitly that I am not necessarily a nice woman, that I have no tolerance for those who can’t use the English language correctly, and that I’m more than happy to put them on blast all over the internets should they behave poorly in their messages to me. Apparently, this is not a deterrent.

This evening, we have a gentleman going under the moniker DJJAMMINJEFFSNJ. I am putting his screenname here and using his first name as he gave it to me, because I don’t believe that this person even WANTS anonymity, and because I feel that his type of mis-reading to only see what he wants to see can be dangerous. Do I think he’s an actual sexual predator? No. But he pushes the Creepy nonetheless.

Jeff says in his profile that he’s a good guy, a nice guy, who holds open doors and will pull out your chair for you. He cooks. He gives good massages. He’s allergic to cats. He mentions TWICE that he’s allergic to cats, and in one instance says, “(could you choose a cat over a guy lol)” [sic]. He makes it clear with multiple mentions that he’s looking for a long-term relationship. And, according to the OKStupid calculations, he and I are a 28% match. So far, his odds aren’t looking good with me.

He chooses to start a conversation with me thusly: Hi Jeff here, I’m a fun loving honest caring romantic gentleman, who likes to make you laugh, cook candlelight dinners, opens doors pulls out your chair, why not get to know each other

I reply: I think there are a couple of reasons, actually.

1. I’m not looking for long-term anything. I don’t do committed relationships anymore.


2. I live in a house with 4 cats and 2 dogs, and one of the cats I’ve had with me for damn near 13 years. So yeah, I can pick a cat over a guy, because I made a commitment to care for this creature when I got her over a decade ago.

Thanks, though! Good luck!

I was pretty straightforward and I wasn’t excessively rude. I thought that I’d gotten the point across.

Jeff: so we can’t meet and have fun

Me: I don’t think it would be a good idea, no. If for no other reason than everything I own is likely to have some manner of traces of cat and will set off an allergic reaction. I’m afraid I’ve had too many instances where people have said, “Oh no, I have an inhaler/meds and it won’t be an issue” only to have them devolve into a mass of goo with watery eyes and more mucous than your average pre-school in December. You mention your allergy at the very top of your profile, and again later on, so clearly it’s a prominent issue. Why would you want to court histamine misery on purpose?

At this point, wouldn’t you just bow out and bark up a different tree? Jeff wouldn’t.

Jeff: I’ve dated women with cats before had no problem. So you can come here we have fun, Hi can cook give massages please each other

So apparently that allergy, the one that warrants TWO warnings on his profile, really isn’t that big of a deal? Is Jeff lying in his profile, or is he lying now? I have no idea, but I’m not interested in finding out. I replied as succinctly and as definitely as I could.

Me: No, thank you.

Jeff: I please really well

My first instinct is, “APPARENTLY NOT, because you can’t even follow a basic ‘No’ and go away!!!”, but at this point, he’s just leading with his chin and asking for more.

Me: Please tell me what exactly you mean by that.

Jeff: I love to please orally I’m very good at will do it till u beg me to stop nd kinky if u are 856[PHONE NUMBER REDACTED]

And now, I’m pissed.

Me: So, in other words, you think that I’m looking for a hookup with a stranger? That an offer to cook or give a “massage” will cause my panties to drop? What was it, exactly, in my profile that caused you to think that this would be something I’m seeking?

Jeff: we’re not looking for relationship so

Me: Is that a sentence? It seems like a few words strung together, but there seems to be a few things missing.

In any case, you used “we’re” and so it looks like you meant to include yourself in that…statement or whatever it was. Except that your profile (yes, I read it – did you read mine?) says that you ARE looking for something long-term. Twice, at least. Does my profile read that I’m looking for a hook-up or sex partners? Please tell me if it does, because I need to fix it quickly.

Jeff: activity partner mean sex?

Either reading comprehension is really a challenge for this guy, or we’ve got that whole “hope springs eternal” thing going on here.

Me: Oddly enough, there are other activities than sex in the world, so no. And there is an option on this thing, when making one’s profile, that allows to you be a bit more explicit in what you want. Namely, stating that you’re looking for sex partners.

I really hope I’m interpreting this correctly, because we’re still a little short of actual sentences here, and I’m trying not to confuse your intent.

Jeff: if I can’t get anything long term, why not have fun

Translation: Since I’m striking out with finding an actual girlfriend, maybe I can just get my dick wet?

Me: I didn’t say you couldn’t have fun. I AM saying that your messages and your profile are clashing severely. I’m also perhaps suggesting that you pay more attention to the profiles of the women you message before you send them suggestions that explicit things are expected on the first meeting. You will know when they are receptive, if you read the profiles. The women who are searching for such things will make it plain.

Yeah, I asked him to read. OH MY GOD. And yet, I think only a faint glimmer of comprehension is finally shining palely into Now Slightly Creepy Jeff’s brain.

Jeff: so I guess you don’t want to meet

Me: Normally, I would reply with some manner of sarcasm. Something along the lines of, “Gosh, Captain Obvious, what makes you say THAT?” However, since the words “No, thank you” seemed to hold some ambivalence for you, I’m assuming that the sarcasm would be wasted and would, instead, result in further struggle. Instead, let me be as clear as I can be:

No, I do not want to meet.
No, I am not interested in a random hookup with a stranger from a website.
And again, for good measure, no.
Good day.

Amazingly, that ended things. At least, for now. FSM help him if he comes back again, because I can promise you that I will be nowhere NEAR as pleasant and accommodating as I was this evening.

Let this be a lesson to you, boys. If you’re looking for long-term, then do that. If you’re looking for a hook-up, do that. If you’re looking for a hook-up while you wait for the long-term, state it clearly. And, for the love of muffins, PLEASE learn to take “no” for an answer.